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Wednesday, 23 November 2016

Break Ups and Growing Up

 Hello Everybody!
 I find it very interesting that most of my posts are written when I'm feeling very sad or very happy or when it's a miserable combination of both. I've started writing this post about a week ago but didn't post it probably because I wasn't ready or didn't have the guts to do it. But here it is.

 Soon is my birthday. I'm going to turn 19 years old! wooohooo! Although the thought of a birthday celebration gives me a lot of joy but probably it is also the reason why I have been feeling so uneasy recently and did a lot of my life reconsideration in general.

 Since I was a child I've always had a very wide circle of friends. Some of them lived nearby and some of them - far away, some of them were much younger, some of them - much older, some of them were very different from me and some of them - very similar to me.  Each one of them was very unique and special to me. And it was always  hard to admit that with some time our paths had to go in different directions. It didn't matter if our relationships were like "just friends" or "something more than friends" and if we met every day or very rarely. I just always got attached to the people very quickly and strongly and each break up was like the end of the world to me.
  A few weeks ago out of curiosity I simply decided to make a list of people who have given up on me and it turned out that the names could fill in the whole A4 sheets of paper. It's kind of sad and funny at the same time to realize how many broken relationships you can have by the age of 19. It actually makes you fear of getting any new relationships at all. The reasons for people to leave each other can be very different: people lose the interest in each other, the long distance makes everything harder or sometimes in a mysterious way one day your friend wakes up and now he/she is just somebody that you used to know. I'll never understand how do these things happen.
 For me it just feels like a relationship is a huge beautiful ship that's sinking and I'm the only one who is still trying to hold on to the board of that ship and survive but unfortunately it's a shipwreck and I'm left wounded if not dead. I used to feel like that. I used to blame the other person. I used to be sad and angry on them for leaving me and not trying to save the beautiful ship.

 When you're going through a very hard break up it also may make you think you're not good enough or that perhaps you simply don't deserve a good healthy relationships. I know a lot of girls would start searching for a problem inside themselves asking questions like: "What have I done? What's wrong with me? Was that too much or was  that not enough? " - and the list goes on with hundred questions like that.
  But I've also realized with some time that  I've become not only the person who is left all alone but sometimes I am also the person that leaves the other people. It just happens. Even though I know how painful it can be to my friends I sometimes give up on them, too. Perhaps it's just a part of growing up. Not every relationship is meant to be forever. 
  People break up by many reasons and most of the time it's really hard to understand. And it's okay to feel sad for some period of time because even though this person is still alive but for you he/she is lost forever. They walked away. It was their decision. But it doesn't mean it's my fault. It doesn't mean my worth is any less because of tha. It doesn't mean that from now on I'm unfortunate in relationships. NO. I am I. And THEY are THEY. And YOU are YOU. And you are worthy of everything and complete with somebody or without them. You must remember that. If you stop loving yourself just because someone has given up on you then you're stealing the opportunity from other people to love you. I know in my own experience it's really hard to love somebody who doesn't love himself. And the only person who can make you happy is YOU. That's a decision. You can't blame others in your unhappiness.
  To sum up it all, I want to say that I know how HARD it is to lose a close person in your life. And it's okay to take some to to grieve and get over it. But you can't think your life is over because somebody left/gave up on you. You can't put all of your hopes for happiness in another person. It's wrong. A person is only a person and we all FAIL sometimes. You must do your happiness yourself. Breaking up is simply a part of growing up. :) After you lose something there will appear some new good things in your life, believe me.
  Today in the morning I've heard a song by Shawn Mendes - Mercy. And I think it reflects my feelings perfectly when I'm realizing that the other person no more loves me and we have to break up. Take a listen.

Stay Strong!